Self importance

In an ideal world, "Self importance is the bane of mankind", but, also, since we lead a materialistic existence, it becomes a double edged sword, being absolutely necessary to make oneself visible and be heard. For, no man/woman can be at peace being a nonentity. We are lying if we say that we are happy being of little consequence. We all have something to offer and unless we give importance to our agenda and our own self, we have failed the whole purpose of being here. So, how far can we stretch this concept of self importance, so as to remain in control and not let it devour us?

I am tired of the societal diktat and emphasis on 'selflessness'. I am digressing here a little bit, but, amazingly, most of these rules apply to the female counterparts. Not to sound 'feminist' or anything, but look around. In any society, be it east or west, females are expected to be the epitome of self sacrifice and compromise. Even in today's world, where we have come a long way from the gender bias that existed in previous generations, the residues of that long existing diktat is taking its toll on the 'modern' women who want to do it all. And, the women, by the virtue of their natural instinct to be 'goody-goody' and doing things the 'right' way, take it upon themselves to fit into that mould as much as possible, lest they be called a 'bitch'- the 'B' word we so try to avoid all our lives! Why do we care, really?! If you do, you are damned, if you don't, you are too!! So, why not do it(or, not do it!) and be damned!!!!!!!!

To have lived and given something to the society and the world we live in is possible only if we attach some degree of importance to self. Had we been living in caves or for that matter in an "ideal" world, it would have been another matter all together. But, we are not and we are all fighting for survival, to carve our own niche. We all deserve, if not anything, at least to reach our potential in our limited time here in this world. I can't imagine a single person who wouldn't want that for self, somewhere deep down, however much they deny this need to be. Even those who preach the idea of self importance being trivial, end up being the most observed and followed? And, many end up in the same pit of egoism and self importance that they so vehemently oppose! The human nature is such and there is no escaping this simple truth.

The universal rule, I believe, is to strike a balance and adopt a middle path in our conduct and approach towards life. Avoiding extremes, at both the 'good' and 'bad' end of the spectrum, should be our goal, if we want to be happy and content as well as make others feel the same. It's not a perfect world we are living in and life is not all black and white. It is an amalgam of good and bad, positives and negatives. We have to figure out a way to exist in harmony with the different shades of life and following extreme ideologies is not the answer. One extreme is unfair to the self and the other, unjust to others. Peaceful coexistence and significant contribution demands fairness - both to self and others. Strive to attain balance and, before you know it, everything might just fall in place!

Mumbai 11/26

I have been following the Mumbai terror attacks ever since it started two days ago. However hard I try, I just can’t seem to get the images that have unfolded before my eyes out of my mind, as I watched the Indian news channels most of my waking hours since this horror started. Most of the time, in the initial few hours, I found myself with mouth agape, watching in disbelief and shock at what was happening to the city and the places therein I had come to love so much during my five years stay in Mumbai. Then, there was anger, helplessness, desperation and now, just a need to prove that we are much stronger than this.

You can’t help but fall in love with this city. The places targeted in these attacks are an important part of some of the wonderful memories I have of the city that was Mumbai. This was the city where I came into my own, this was the city which taught me the useful life lessons that I am so thankful for, and, this was the city that embraced me when I came in as an awkward, unsure young adult. Mumbai pushed me to become who I am and made me realize the unlimited possibilities that awaited me, if only I reached out. It’s not the same city anymore, will never be now. Today, as I reflect on the gore I witnessed these past couple of days, I am heartbroken and stunned. Mumbai has been robbed: robbed of its uniqueness, robbed of what it stood for, robbed of its essence, and mostly, as it seems right now, robbed of its spirit.

Having said that, I also know that though it will take some time, it will not be long, before, Mumbai defies these adversaries of mankind, and stand tall again with a renewed vigor and, a slightly ‘scarred’, but, stronger spirit. And, that ‘scar’ is just going to be a reminder of what it takes to be a city of dreams, a city of joy and, a city of undying spirit…it won’t be a hideous blemish, but, will represent defiance in the face of terror, the triumph of Mumbai and India. We need to do that if we want to show, in our own little way, to these people who are trying to ruin the very fabric of India and Mumbai that they have failed in their attempt. We are a resilient nation and Mumbai, even more so. No matter how hard they try, we will rise again and conquer the screwed up ideology and mentality that is motivating them and not let it touch the soul of the nation and the city we love so much. But, in order to do so, we have to stand united, irrespective of our identities, and, work together with a single minded pursuit of winning this battle we have been forced into. The war on terror is ON and we are up for it. Try as they may, we will survive and shine like never before.

Being complete

A friend asked me a few days ago-“Do you think we will ever find that one person who makes it complete?” That got me thinking. It sure sounds a bit of a cliché question and probably the most often asked one by people seeking love all over. I can understand where they all are coming from. But, I guess, they fail to understand that it is a sheer waste of time waiting for someone to make them and their existence complete!

We merely fool ourselves into believing that we need someone to give us that sense of being complete. The sense of being whole comes from within. It’s been said by wise men and sages over thousands of years how one can find God within oneself. God resides in you and you just have to reach out into the innermost recesses of your being and there he is waiting to be found! So by that standard, if we can find the absolute in ourselves (and, what can be more complete than that?), then why can’t we find completeness within ourselves? If you can seek God in your self, then, why go seeking the sense of being complete outside in someone else? Reach out to yourself and you will find it! Nothing and no body can do that for us. Seek your true inner self. Therein lays the answer!

To know ourselves is perhaps the greatest endeavor of our life and it takes a lot of soul searching and probing into our psyche. One has to be brutally honest in carrying out this self assessment and that takes a great deal of courage. I am also aware that it is very tough to do so, especially when you are leading a ‘worldly’ existence. That is why, perhaps, we keep groping in the dark with this notion in our head that you need another person, a ‘soul mate’ to make it all seem relevant and complete. In doing so, we save ourselves the trouble of the greatest endeavor of our life time- finding oneself!!

This is exactly the reason why so many of us feel disillusioned in love and life. We begin our journey with another person with preconceived notions and expectations that are practically impossible to fulfill. How is another person going to fill the void, the emptiness that lies within? Is it not too much to ask of another being- asking them to carry out a task which we couldn’t ourselves?! Why burden them with a task which isn’t meant for them? In the process we end up smothering the relationship as well as our self. We are trying to run away all our lives from the self and blaming others for our discrepancies. We want to feel complete, but are we really trying the right way? Are we not straying from the whole point?

The way to go I believe is to reflect honestly and sincerely into what all is missing from our lives which is making us feel empty. It can be any number of things, in fact, many things at the same time. Once you come up with this, assess the possibilities. There are certain things that need just a little more effort on your part. Go on and stretch your limits. If this fails, consider the relevance of it in your life. Is it really what you are seeking and if yes, is it worth the heart ache? If yes again and you have tried everything, consider substituting and/or replacing it. There is an alternative pathway for everything in this universe. The options are there and the choice is ours to make. It’s just a matter of finding what suits us the best, trying every permutation and combination. Experience and experiment- that’s the key to a life well lived! We all are unique with unique abilities, needs and wants. And the universe has immense possibilities and is waiting to offer all that to us. We just have to look around with an open mind. I am sure that, in doing so, each of us will find what is really needed, custom designed for us, to suit our unique selves!

I also believe that the sense of being complete goes hand in hand with the degree of our comfort level with our own self. The closer we come to being whole, the more comfortable we will feel in our own skin. Being comfortable with ourselves is the true measurement of how complete we are inside. You will know when you get there. But, the journey is yours to take. No one else can do it for you.

If at all we need someone, it is not for making us complete. We just need somebody to validate ourselves, believe in us and assure us when in doubt. We need another to take their journey along side of ours and thus, have an understanding and perspective of what we are going through as no other! We need someone to watch us grow and become what we are supposed to be. The parents did that for the initial part of our lives and the life partner does it for the rest. Most importantly, we need some one to just be there and love us for what and who we are, expecting little and giving much. And, of course, we are supposed to do the same and help the other with their own unique journey along the way and thus, return the favor!!

Love

Love, probably the most discussed four letter word. The definition and meaning varies. The kind and form varies. The context varies. But, the appeal remains universal. We, as humans, are all wired to love and to seek love. Let us look into the category of love which is the boon as well as the bane of man kind, the love which is the basis of the human race, the love which brought us into existence and led to our creation, the love which keeps this world going- love between a man and a woman. For some, it seems to come easily. For others, it seems like a distant dream and their whole lives are spent in chasing the ever elusive thing called ‘love’.

But, do they know what they are seeking, really? Do they have an idea of where to find it? Do they really know what it means? Had they known, could it have been as unattainable as they make it out to be? Are all these people doing the needed?

For many there comes a time, in their quest for love, when desperation starts to set in and cynicism creeps in. They get bitter. They run away from it. They push it away and fail to recognize it even if it stares right back at their faces, because, they have stopped believing. Stopped believing in their capacity to love and be loved. Faith and trust keeps the love alive. Skepticism and doubt kills it.

Love for many becomes a goal they need to achieve in a certain frame of time. It’s a project they have to complete. If it fails to fit in that time frame, they give up and move on to other projects that will shape up according to their plans. They want to be in control and the moment they feel they are losing that, it scares them and the easiest thing to do is to exit. But, love is not something you can control and achieve in a period of time. It’s not a project, rather a process which takes its own time to take shape. One has to be prepared to face the unexpected, one has to let go and just go where it takes you rather than you trying to steer its wheels and take it where you want it to go. Love has its own path and its own sense of direction. You just have to follow the lead and you will arrive. And most importantly, you don’t have to seek love. Love will find you.

Personally, I have never believed in the concept of ’love at first sight’. I rather, prefer to call it ‘lust at first sight’! I know the romantics will cringe at the cold and analytical view of this beautiful emotion. But, I am talking about the kind of love that is way beyond what you could ever feel at first glance, in the first meeting and even in the initial phases. The beginning, for many, leads to the end of what could have been, had they persevered. They left when it started giving way to the real thing. The moment it starts retreating from their fantasy and begins to enter the realms of reality, they give up. They forget that it is not 'La-la land' they are dealing with where everything is hunky dory, according to their expectations. It is real life. And, reality has a lot of unpleasant things and uncharted territory, which might be intimidating and even inconceivable, before we came across it. But, that is what reality is, catching you unaware and testing your limits. If you manage to live through it, it pays its dues and you have laid the foundation of the beginning of a true and meaningful emotion without the frills of fantasy and grounded in reality. This is the initiation of the love I am talking about. And, from here on it prospers, of course with its ups and downs. Life is such. It gives you the good, the bad and the ugly and you have to embrace every thing as and when it comes, whether it’s in a person or a life situation. It is a lot of work and sometimes seems impossible. But one has to keep going with the faith and trust in the concept of love intact. And, all of a sudden love reveals itself and then there is no stopping it from here on…

So, love is definitely a beautiful emotion that we all are entitled to. It comes naturally to us, may be, not to begin with, but, it does come. For some, it comes naturally from the beginning to the end and they are the lucky ones. But, for most, it involves a lot of effort, perseverance, compromises and an unconditional offering of oneself. Just as the river running through the rock cuts it through the years, to give it a beautiful form and shape, with all its rough edges notwithstanding, so does love gives way to love, perfect in its own imperfect way. Love is after all a mix of the qualities mentioned above. It is a complex emotion with a lot of components to it. The people who are successful in love are the ones who supplement each other in these components, for, no man is perfect and we all have to work in sync and accordance with each other. One may have to give more than the other, but, if one keeps in perspective the objective, it will come through, sooner or later…

Selfless vs selfish

There have been times when I have been left wondering about the objective of my existence in this world. This question comes into the mind of every individual that has walked this earth, at some point or the other, in their lives. I am sure that once an individual realizes his/her purpose, it makes the road to life and its destination much easier. And, the destination in each case is happiness and sense of satisfaction, nothing less and nothing more.The one person that often is missing from our list of being good to happens to be ourselves! Most people often spend their lives trying to be a better something for someone. Not for once do they strive to be the best or even better for themselves! Personally, as I have coursed through life, I have been compelled to face the selfishness that resides within me.

To want something for myself, is it not selfish? I always thought that I did everything selflessly and was kind of proud of that knowledge of being so! But, is it really a selfless life I have been living? I think harder and realize that everything that I did or am doing is to give myself a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. I have gained a lot in that way, feeling above it all and this, tended to the demands of my super conscience! So, in short, I have been selfish. Then, why leave myself out of my little ‘plan’?! It won’t make me any more selfish if I served myself and my own needs a little bit more! Would it? And, if including myself in that long list of people does good and gives me the kind of happiness I want, then, why not??

After all the thinking and brooding, I have come to conclude that one has to start with oneself and one’s own individual needs before going on to others. To think that by doing so one is being selfish is utter non sense because as discussed, is not every act of ours, however selfless it might seem, stem from the self? Ultimately, it all comes down to that and we all are self serving, at different levels of conscience. We are all serving either our ‘Id’, or, our ‘ego’ or, those like me who walk with that false sense of accomplishment of being selfless, are still serving and nurturing something deep within ourselves which happens to be our ‘super ego’.

My objective in life and my theme is to make this world a bit better, a bit easier to live in, for people who pass along. And, I choose to include myself in my agenda as well, and will see how it goes. I have at last convinced myself and will continue on the path I have been taking with a small detour and hope that it will lead me to my destination…

The choice

I have been led to believe that the more aware you become of the surroundings, of others, of self and of life in general, the more likely it is that you will suffer from melancholy for most part of your life. It has been my experience that with time and maturity and better understanding of the universe, I have been compelled to encounter the darker terrains of the so called world and society we live in. I am not implying that the darker you see, the wiser you get. But, human mind is such that it perceives the negativity of things more strongly and rather holds on to it for future references, to either avoid or be cautious to prevent further sorrow and pain by experiencing it again and again. The same isn't true with the positive aspects in life. We inherently seem to take anything positive and joyful to be the natural order of things and thus, take them for granted, as our fundamental rights. In short, ignorance seems to be a blessing and knowledge a curse!!

But is it?? I wonder!

We often come across instances which are indicative of how feeling and understanding the deeper aspects of life, makes one more vulnerable to the darker forces of the human mind. Whether we call it depression or melancholy or simply sadness, it all boils down to one and the same thing. Are not the artists, the creative people and the philosophers more prone to the above said? Many of them have been driven to deep sorrow to the point of fatal insanity in their quest for knowledge. They all have one thing in common. They all are seeking perfection in their respective pursuits. They are trying to attain the absolute. But, then, are not the yogis, the monks and such, also, traveling the road of life in quest of knowledge, wisdom and the absolute? But, they seem to have found happiness and bliss in their pursuit. Wisdom has brought them joy and contentment. So, seemingly, both the groups are having similar quests, but, quite contradictory results.

The difference lies in their ultimate goals. One is trying to compete with the universe while the other is surrendering to it. One is trying to be the absolute while the other is trying to be one with the absolute. One is trying to attain perfection while the other accommodates in the perfection that surrounds them. One is giving in to the sensual pleasures while the other is abstaining from it, rather watching and imbibing it all from a distance. One is letting go of all its senses and giving in to temptations that go hand in hand with the knowledge of being, while the other is practicing restraint with respect to actions of body, speech and mind. One is embracing the universe so much so that it gets too close for their own good, while the other is embracing it nonetheless, but with a kind of detachment that shields them from the hazards of proximity. They all come to the same truths, but, perceive and assimilate it in a different way. One leads to doubt while the other leads to enlightenment and oneness with the absolute. One leads to chaos and the other, peace of mind. One leads to sorrow, the other leads to pure bliss.

So, the choice is ours. We have to train our minds and make a conscious effort. And, with time, it will come naturally to us. Thus, we will have lived, rather than just breathed life. Instead of every day being a struggle, each day will be a celebration- a celebration of life…

Change

I believe that 'change' is what makes the world go round...we are constantly changing in every aspect of our being. Be it physical, mental or spiritual, we are on the go! To think that what and who we are and how we perceive things at the present moment, is the absolute and unshakable truth, is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves...This is where ignorance and arrogance play their part...They prevent us from growing, by not letting us acknowledge the change that is happening all around and within us...and until and unless we welcome these changes into our lives and unless we open the windows to our soul to these changes, we cannot grow and be what we are supposed to be...we tend to bury our real selves under the dirt of our ignorance and sometimes, arrogance...This leads to the stagnation of our spiritual being (the only thing we have come into this life form for)...Thus, we lose the real objective of our existence and let ourselves stray into the mundane...we stop growing.
The one thing that can awaken the within, is the awareness of life itself...If only we sharpen our perceptions to what life has to offer, things would have been different....Personally, Life has been my biggest teacher...my friend, philosopher, guide...Life experiences have made me into what I am today and what I will be tomorrow...for, I, am subject to change.. for, change is the essence of life....